Managing endometriosis is often as much about emotional wellbeing as it is about physical symptoms. Here’s why maintaining boundaries that help preserve your energy and protect your mental health are so important.
I think the ‘Spoon Theory’ offers a really useful metaphor to help us think about the experience of living with a chronic illness like endo, particularly how our energy and resources are limited so need to be carefully managed.
In the theory, spoons represent units of energy. A person in full health might wake up with an unlimited number of spoons, whereas someone with a chronic illness wakes up with a set number, and every activity they do—getting out of bed, having a shower—uses a spoon. Once they’ve used all of their spoons, they’ve used all their energy for the day (and can go into a spoon deficit).
The Spoon Theory helps us to understand why setting boundaries and being intentional about where we allocate our ‘spoons’ (and where we don’t) is so important for our mental and physical health. It can also be helpful when trying to communicate to others that we have limits to how much we can do and take on.
But first, what exactly are ‘boundaries’? Boundaries are like personal limits or guidelines that individuals set in order to take care of themselves—emotionally, mentally, and physically. Think of them like protectors, guarding your energy and mental health. These limits include how much energy you give to certain things (e.g. people, work, social media) and what you say ‘no’ to that would use too many ‘spoons’.
The benefits of maintaining boundaries around your energy and mental health include:
- Conserving your energy for what matters most to you
- Prioritising your health and wellbeing needs
- Being more in tune with your mind and body
- Avoiding overwhelm, burnout, anxiety and depression
- Feeling empowered and more in control
- Maintaining healthier, more supportive relationships
- Feeling more balanced and centred within yourself
- Better management of pain and symptoms
But setting and maintaining boundaries isn’t always easy. It can be difficult to say ‘no’, express our own needs and priorities, and risk potential conflict or disapproval from others. The good news? With awareness, support and practice, setting boundaries is a skill that can be learned. In fact, I’ve seen clients who have struggled with boundary-setting grow into very confident boundary setters.
Here are some tips for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries around your energy and protecting your mental health:
- Remind yourself that you are the expert on your body and your life, and only you know what your limits are (and what the consequences are if you go beyond them).
- Try to view your boundaries as preventative healthcare; like exercise or diet. Remember, rest is proactive and productive!
- Be simple and concise in your communication with others, resisting the need to over-explain or justify your decisions or needs to everyone. Try communicating your limits as if they are any other ‘neutral’ statement. Like “thanks for the invite but I’ve already got something on earlier that day so I’ll need to rest”.
- Try to surround yourself with supportive, understanding people who respect your boundaries. It’s okay to distance yourself or let go of relationships that feel draining or people who invalidate your experience. Sometimes there will be people who don’t like it when you start to set boundaries. This is when it’s helpful to return to your ‘why’—you don’t have an unlimited supply of spoons, and you need to prioritise where you use them so you can feel the best you can.
- Work on becoming comfortable with saying ‘no’. Sometimes we can be conditioned to think saying ‘no’ is selfish, but it’s actually an act of self-respect and self-care. If you know you find saying ‘no’ difficult, and tend to prioritise others’ needs and wants ahead of your own, it may be helpful to reflect on why this might be. Sometimes when we better understand where a roadblock is coming from, we can better navigate around it. And remember that it’s okay to start small. Practice saying ‘no’ in low stakes situations, like ‘no’ to more cake at a party, and build your confidence from there. Having a personal ‘no’ script ready to go can also help take the pressure off in the moment. Something like ‘I can’t take on anything else right now’ can apply to lots of different situations.
- We often think of boundaries as something that relates to how we interact with the external world, but it’s just as important to develop and maintain healthy mental boundaries. This might look like challenging perfectionism and unrealistic expectations of what you ‘should’ be able to do, by replacing self-critical thoughts with self-compassionate ones. Or noticing that when we scroll on social media for too long, it depletes us of energy or negatively affects our mental state, so we set boundaries around the amount of time or energy we give to it.
Setting and maintaining boundaries is not just a way to protect your energy and mental health, but a powerful act of self-respect that can help you feel more in control and empowered, and enable you to navigate life with endo with more confidence.
ANGIE MASHFORD-SCOTT
Angie is a counsellor and therapist specialising in mental health care and support for those with endometriosis. Angie believes that individual support must work in tandem with broader advocacy and awareness-building to create meaningful change. Along with the launch of the endokind podcast this March, she actively collaborates with other change-makers in this space and serves as a leading member of the International Endo Violence Collective.
IG: @endokind_au
